It’s been more than a year since I last wrote here. I’ve wanted to write, to commit to write but I haven’t. The truth is, I haven’t felt free to write; to tell my story, think my thoughts in their true authentic form, to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
It’s like when people ask you “how are you doing?” and the expected answer is “Okay” even if having a really bad day. It’s hard to tell the sad story, or the story of your fear, or the conqueror story; especially when many, most are satisfied with “Ok”. Well, life has not been just been “Ok”; it’s been “Great”, “Epic”, “Tragic”, “Thrilling“, Anxiety-ridden”, “Challenging”, “Growth-spurring”, “Confusing”, “Delightful “and all sorts of other “Mixed-up Feeling”.
I want to be honest, to let you in to see who I really am – no matter how it sounds or what it reveals; even when it isn’t deep, insightful, intelligent, full of epiphanies or providing a comprehensive perspective of my every thought or emotion.
I had an epiphany the other day, an aha moment, the kind we read great books, watch great movies, go to our psychologists and group therapy sessions to find. It’s the kind of epiphany that happens several times throughout this journey called life; it’s a reminder that i was not created for myself. I am part of another’s story, part of God’s story. And if i let him, he will use every single part of my story to write out a most beautiful memoir.
My epiphany came through the Bible Study Fellowship of Joseph’s story that came in three parts, divided over a period of three weeks.
Phase one – We are introduced to Joseph as the favorite son that get’s the coat of many colors and with it his father’s unfailing love; this same Joseph, perhaps lacking in wisdom, taddle tales on his brothers and even worse tells them of his dreams as a result they throw him in a cistern to rot and die and then second thought decide to sell him off to some egyptian traders; seemingly getting rid of the nuisance at a profit. His father is heartbroken, more than the brothers imagine he would be.
Phase two – Joseph get’s sold to Egypt’s number two, Potiphar, and through hard work rises through the ranks to becoming head of household (the Francis Muthaura/Kimemia) until the unfortunate incident with his master’s wife that never actually happened, that gets him incarcerated. Yap, he lands in Jail, Jail, Jail. Yet, he picks himself up, turns back to God, moves forward…
My epiphany may seem egregious to some and exceptional to others. That’s okay.
And here comes the epiphany. Up or down, one thing is sure. God is the constant. He is not going anywhere. His presence is unfailing, his intentions loving. That is as true today as it was at my birth and it shall be at my death.
I have tried to be better, get myself out of the hole, hold my tongue so that i don’t tell my dreams to my ‘brother’s or get myself out of the Potiphar’s wife’s lies by defending myself, trying to prove that i am right…i am slowly learning that pulling in my belt, holding in my breath i.e. my best intentions and efforts are not what matter.
In the end, God doesn’t care so much that i set up a children’s home or gave my every coin to the poor – the children’s home or some other ‘good deed’ was his plan anyway and had I refused, he would have brought someone else to set it up. Point is, he cares most that on each and everyday of those 10 years that it took us to set up the home, that we grew to know him, grew to trust him, grew to rely and depend on him, for everything. When all is said and done, God wants a relationship with us. Not our best efforts at pleasing him, but a loving parent-child relationship.
I’m trying to concentrate less on holding my breath, and keeping my stomach in knots…i just want my ears to be ready to tingle and listen and act on whatever task he gives me to do today.
SONG OF THE WEEK – Overcomer by Mandisa
You’re an overcomer, stay in the fight till the final round, you’re not going under, çause God is holding you right now, you might be down for a moment, feeling like its hopeless, that’s when he reminds you that you’re an overcomer….