What if i was real about Little Red Riding Hood

This week it dawned on me how much of a facade i can put up even when I am quite a mess. You see i have honed the skill of faking it/putting on a mask/being who i need to be in that moment no matter how i am really feeling. Perhaps its because i am preacher’s kid, perhaps it emanates from my need to please, I am afraid to be judged or i just wanna please you and really want you to like me. Not very much like Grace-filled living. I really want to be much more open-honest-transparent-real. This blog is my way of speaking out, sharing my learning, my journey. Consider this a sufficient disclaimer for my interesting choice of topic today.

You see its 4am on a Thursday morning but i cannot sleep. I am in pain; menstrual cramps. My back spasms, my legs ache, my stomach feels like its being ripped apart and this is Day 8!! The discomfort is unbearable. I hate being on my periods; i do not use that verb lightly. God knows how much they interrupt my life. My hormones are wacky, in 7th heaven one moment and depressive or fatigued the next. There is many a day i have wondered if i am in my right mind, if i have sufficient reason to be angry-elated-hungry-irritable-depressed or its just the hormones controlling me. I have been to the gynae, the endocrinologist and spent many a night googling my symptoms but there is no reprise. Their diagnosis is always the same. God has blessed me with a healthy womb and until i can bear a child, this (un)fortunately shall be my story.

Periods and hormones are a significant part of most women’s lives yet we rarely discuss them. Why must we keep our pain and discomfort to ourselves? The last really meaningful conversation around my menstrual health was in primary school when the nice ‘Always’ people came to teach us how to use their sanitary towels/pads. We just don’t talk about what our bodies, our uterus-es go through every single month. And they don’t only affect our physical selves, periods affect our emotions, our eating habits even our choice of clothing. Yes believe me, even clothing. One wrong choice of underwear and you are embarrassingly spotting your way around the world (True Story!!). What about the blood oozing out that oftentimes has to be washed/wiped out. Cannot entirely avoid touching the blood. And even if i know its just blood tissue i just cant get my mind to seeing it that way. A friend once described it to me as a healing flow cleansing the womb. She even described how her sister collected the blood in a cup every month and used it to tie and dye fabric and manure her plants (another true story!!).

Yeah i know, not your usual coffee-shop discussion. Yet this is us each and every month. Forgive me but after all that, i can hardly think far enough to the day that these years of pain and discomfort shall finally be rewarded with a beautiful precious baby.

See why i needed a disclaimer? I was talking to a friend the other day about a scene that describes our personal prayer for 2020. I described sitting by the fireplace exchanging stories with my family. My friend was standing by her window-sill watching her kids biking through the backyard. Point is – none of our real dreams have external people in them, neither will they contribute a thing to bring our dreams to fruition. So why do I spend so much energy waiting for their approval, why do i not feel comfortable discussing my traumatic menstrual experiences with the world, why do I give everyone else so much control over me?

Yet its hard to wake up and just not care…or care less. I am searching for others who are struggling-living-conquering. I want to attempt to discus how my hormones make me sin without being written off as evil, sinful, unchristian…but the devil likes to isolate and makes us feel unredeemable. So i don’t talk about it – so i keep thinking ‘I’m alone on this’….yet there is nothing new-foreign-unknown under heaven.

So I am going to keep telling you some more embarrassing, shameful things. I am hoping that you will still call out my name and say hallo when i pass by and maybe even look me in the eye and tell me what you really think about this blog.

You see the more i am open and honest about me, the less i care about your judgments and opinions, the less i let you control me. I am courageously promising to be honest about my motives and desires, bravely committing to never embellishing to make myself look better, to wisely choosing to treat myself and others with God-given grace. I am going to try a little bit more to be like Jesus. I am going to try to be real.

And if you still don’t get what i am on about, Mandisa puts it really well in her song – What if i was real.

Well, I’m tired of saying everything
I feel like I’m supposed to say
I’m tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I’m not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me

We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin’ what’s goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren’t afraid of this crazy mess

What if we were real
What if we were real

I’m over hidin my tears
I think I’m gonna let em’ go
I’m over actin so strong
When I ain’t even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can’t we open our hearts and let everybody see

We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin’ what’s goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren’t afraid of this crazy mess

What if we were real

We’d think a little less of ourselves
We’d care about someone else
‘Cause we’d know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we’d a little more like Jesus
Why can’t we learn to real


2 thoughts on “What if i was real about Little Red Riding Hood

  1. Pearl this is so refreshingly open and red (now red is all I can think of sigh) and am in a red top and have a red scarf on my person miss you much gal!!

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