Look to Jesus and Be at rest

Growing up, there was a wall hanging right above the television closet that said “look outside and be distressed, look inside and be depressed, look to Jesus and be at rest”.

This has been a difficult week for me. I have felt emotional, unmotivated, off-center and far from God. At one point I felt as if I had enough tears in me to cry up a storm; enough internal pressure to blow up a house. What can I say, I am an emotional being, one moment on a high and the next scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I wanted to call someone back home and talk but I am quite removed, far away from all the realities and action of their lives…too far to share my issues without sounding petty and ungrateful. I guess it’s hard to say petty things when on a 30ksh (40cents) a minute international phone-call.

Instead I watched a lot of television, and then spent a lot of time chatting with friends and not much in quiet communication with my creator. Before long I was comparing other people’s lives with my own, seeing all their successes and none of their challenges. I admired their strengths, was amazed by their good fortune and blinded by their success. Lined up against theirs, my life seemed measly, lonely and unaccomplished. And the more I compared myself to them the worse I felt.

When I first got here I felt an overwhelming need to be somebody different. Like who I am was not enough to hack it here; I needed to be quicker, smarter, wiser, more confident, more soulful and a way better dancer (don’t even get me started about dancing). I wanted to be someone else, not me.

What changed?
Nothing external, my attitude changed. I realized that who I was today was good enough. That God did not make a mistake bringing the present-me to where I was now and he would prepare me for any modifications that the future-me would need. God is strong enough and wise enough to make me into the me he wants me to be.

And the more I looked to him, the more I noticed that God had been looking out for me when I needed to find a place to stay, providing for me when there was not as much of money as the days left in the month, bring people my way when I felt alone, giving me a subtle rhythm to my everyday life that made me feel a lot more at home.

So yesterday when I remembered the wall hanging I got up, wore my jogging gear and went to the rocky beach nearby. I walked half-way down a cliff facing away from the wind and screamed as loud as I could. I shrieked, yelled, howled and wailed till I ran out of breath and as I let out all my pent-up emotion a calm came over me. And I began to speak (to God) about all those petty thoughts and feelings that I had not found words to express. You see God can take all i got; He ain’t daunted by me!

I do not think it a coincidence that I remembered the words of that wall hanging this week. God reminded me of exactly what I needed to remember when I needed to remember it.

And just like that I am at peace again, all is well and once again my world is all right with me.


One thought on “Look to Jesus and Be at rest

  1. So lovely to meet you here, Pearl, and to read your heartfelt and honest words. You are so right: God can take our anger, our sorrow, our bitterness — whatever we dish out. And he offers himself as a balm to soothe our fractured spirits and souls. So glad you communed with God and found peace through him.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s